transformers poo review

where do i begin... well the bad springs to mind, so let's start with that.
it's kind of depressing that in this day and age (i'm not trying to sound old) something like this can reach the masses. when i think about the whole process that movies have to go through to actually reach cinemas worldwide - all the script writers, editors, the director, the cast, the effects guys, test audiences, everyone listed in the credits - at no point did anyone put their hand up and say 'heeeeeeeeey, wait a minute! this part sucks!'. there's so much here that i would hope anyone would have picked up on any of the crap that went into this movie. don't get me wrong i probably couldn't do better (...actually maybe i could, but another time) but c'mon studios! sort your god damn filtering process out and save yourself alot of money!

i admit i've never been a fan of transformers (bit before my time grandad) but at least the first movie managed to keep my attention. and at least in michael bays other work i remotely gave a shit about the characters (i still love con air and the rock dispite nic's acting talents). throughout this movie i couldn't care less if any or all of them got killed off - in fact through the second half i was kinda preying for some sort of t.w.m.d (yes that's transformers weapon of mass distruction aka 'the matrix key' or whatever it was called in this movie) would just go off and kill them all so i could go walk off my numb ass and forget this movie sooner.


it was also quite funny how sexist the movie seemed. there's pretty much one girl in the whole movie.

a woman? yeah a woman. and yeah megan fox is pretty hot if your into that fake looking slutty type whose hobbies include bending over bikes and jiggling away from explosions in slow motion. oh and just for something to keep the female viewers interested we'll add some lovey dovey, badly written scenes with the exact same greenday song playing and slot them randomly into the film.

the jar jar binks fans out there will enjoy the two useless autobot twins 'cause i bet no one else watching this movie found them annoying right?

"hmm i'll tell you what this script needs... dog fucking!" ... yeah whose weirdo idea was that? and more importantly how was this not vetted out (haha vetted, you see! cos they are dogs! i dun a funny! maybe neutered out would have been better, nevermind whatever).



questions that spring to my mind during the movie:
why leave these t.w.m.d's in existence, let alone on earth?
why would these advanced aliens even stay on earth just to blow our shit up?
how useless and futile anything the humans do is. why even get involed? it's not like you can stop them.
how shia's prision break style disguise (a baseball cap) is gunna fool anyone?
why not roll the credits hours ago and save the world some time?
why am i still sat here watching this?
who would win in a fight: a monkey with a stapler or an invisible pelican?

well that's the bad, now the good...
urrrmm the special effects... umm yep that's it, and i can't fault it there but there's only so much cg your eyes can take until your desensitized to it. it's kinda like when toy story first came out - really impressive at first but about 30mins in the cg is just a given and the script needs to take over (toy story: win, transformers 2 ... epic fail).

oh and doctor claw from inspector gadget doing the voice for the satellite decepticon, that was quite funny.

anyway if your gunna watch something at the cinema this week i'd recommend you invest your stock in drag me to hell, the hangover or star trek (if you still haven't seen it) and save terminator salvation and transformers 2 for a dvd, i'm sure they'd make good coasters.

it's also worth checking out this review. it's probably the best review i've seen for it online :)

mtv movie shawards

after hearing about bruno's entrance i figured i'd check out the mtv movie awards. in the past they've done a few good parodies (matrix reloaded and mission impossible 2 spring to mind) but overall it just feels like a big corporate advert and opportunity for all the 12 year old girls to scream about the dick from twilight or the twat from high school musical (this got real annoying, real fast). don't get me wrong i knew going in this wasn't gunna be the oscars but seriously your doing a (rigged) text vote (is there any other kind these days?) for best movie between the dark knight, slumdog millionare, iron man, high school musical 3 and twilight? maybe it's just my opinion but the first three are kind of in an entirely different league.

make even more annoying by the numerous stupid sponcers messages before the actual adverts. after plugging the best movie text vote it cut to a group the stereotypical dumb "sweet 16" girls voting for twilight all from the same t-mobile phone (one of the sponcers of the show of course). obviously the 12 year old girls prevailed and twilight won best movie. the whole thing just felt so staged and fake. awards shows shouldn't be like this.

that said it wasn't all bad. i thought the host adam samberg came off pretty well (so to speak - not to be confused with jizz in my pants) and i loved hot rod so he seemed a good choice for a host. i loved the idea of using keyboard cat to rap up speeches that overun - this should become a rule for all speeches everywhere in my opinion.

the "cool guys don't look at explosions" song featuring will ferrell was pretty good too and jj abrams keyboard solo was great, and should feature somewhere in the last season of lost.

ben stiller's award introduction was pretty funny with kiefer sunderland breaking down but i was a bit disappointed with triumph the insult comic dog. he just felt uber toned down and out of character really - more auto-cue fakeness i guess, which should actually be the tagline of the show.

always good to see kings of leon live, but they did seem like an odd choice for the target audience of the show which i felt pretty alienated from what with all the twilight bullshit. maybe they were just trying cover all their bases.

as for the whole eminem/bruno thing it was the highlight and probably the funniest bit of the show even if it was all staged which is pretty much guarenteed judging by the rest of the show.

so overall that was the mtv movie awards and to me the shittness pretty much outweighed the good stuff so i can't really recommend watching it unless the dick from twilight makes you moist/jizz in your pants. otherwise watch the highlights and invest the rest of you time doing something more constructive. like burn the rope.